I turn 30 in a few hours.
I don't remember how I felt when I turned 20. I know I had a party. More than that, I don't remember. Not long after that, I had my second bout of serious depression.
At the threshold of 30, I think back to 20 and wonder what that girl would think of me now. I am nearly twice her size (not really, but it sure feels like it). I am friends with people she would never have spoken to and am estranged from people she loved with her whole heart. I still dislike most the things she did but have now added several new chapters to that list. I like and enjoy less than she did - fewer people, fewer things. And I am unhappier than she was.
I feel like she would have been impressed with the fact that I live in my own apartment, pay my own rent, travel on my own and buy whatever I like. She would be less impressed with the fact that in the 10 years since she turned 20, I have still not managed to learn the art of forming a connection with other human beings. I think she would be disappointed in my choices in life and love. I know she would think my job is cool.
While it's interesting to think about what 'she' would think about, I am more concerned with what I think.
And I think this: I am not happy to be turning 30 but resigned to it nonetheless. In about two days, I get on a plane and fly away to a ten day holiday with my mother and my best friend. Two weeks after that, I am headed to Russia. The week after that, I head out on another holiday with my best friend, this time to a quiet beach. I am reading two fascinating and interesting books (Donna Tartt's The Goldfinch and Carlotta Gall's The Wrong Enemy, in case you're interested). I have my next 5-6 books already lined up. I am about to author a major paper and then embark on an international tour to promote it.
So here's the thing. I am fat, sad, single, pathetic and lonely but I am also fortunate in many, many ways. Maybe this next decade should be about leaning into the good things instead of dwelling on the bad. Maybe it should be taking the few things that I do like about myself and the very few things that I do enjoy and just being content with them. I am not likely to change drastically before 40 but maybe that's okay. Maybe what the next decade should really be about is the eradication of hope and the eventual disappointment it brings and instead focusing on acceptance and comfort.
