Note: This blog post was written on the 16th of November 2011 and published for a brief hour before I decided to take it down as it felt too raw and personal. I felt like the person who is addressed here might read this and be disdainful of how I am feeling. Upon further consideration, I think it needs to go up because censoring myself seems so antithetical to everything I believe in. And so it's going up again.I hope the 2.5 of you that read on a regular basis will understand and be kind.
There's an awfully cheesy song from the 70s. I think it's by the Beegees. It goes, 'How can you mend a broken heart?' and then on from there on to more cheese. And as much as I hate the cheese, that one phrase has been stuck in my head these past few days.
There's an awfully cheesy song from the 70s. I think it's by the Beegees. It goes, 'How can you mend a broken heart?' and then on from there on to more cheese. And as much as I hate the cheese, that one phrase has been stuck in my head these past few days.
Do I even need to explain further? Isn't is obvious then, that my heart is broken?
I had the most excellent October. And an excellent first half of November as well. It's so unusual for me to let go and not worry about the other shoe that is about to drop, and that is exactly what I did. I let go. I had so much pure, unadulterated fun. And of course, on Monday, the 14th of November, at 1 AM, the other shoe dropped. I feel punished. I feel like I allowed myself to be too happy, and that is why the broken heart is all the more devastating. I feel like I invited the dropping shoe by being happy. Since I allowed myself to stop worrying, and become hopeful, and happy and relaxed, I let my guard down. Now I am paying the price for this stupidity.
How is this one shitty and stupid thing that I did when I was just a child coming back to hurt me so badly and so often now? I invested myself in one bad friendship and it has not stopped hurting me ever since. And I did it to myself. As much as I would like to blame other people, I did this. I did this to myself, I allowed this to happen. I invited this trouble and heartbreak into my life.
We all grow up. None of us is, at the age of 27, the same as we were at the age of 12 or 17 or 22. Gooseberrie and I, when were rather young, had a very close friend. She liked all the same things as us. We did everything together. We all spent all our waking hours joined at the hip. And over the years, slowly but surely, it became apparent that this girl no longer enjoyed all the same things that we did. So, we grew apart, like millions of friends all over the world, all through the ages have done. There was no anger, no animosity, no acrimony, just a growing acknowledgement that this is what happens, people grow apart.
This latest growing apart, the one that has caused all the heartbreak, was not like that. I feel all those things that I didn't feel at the age of 16. I feel the anger, animosity and acrimony. I feel blinding, scalding hatred. I feel such unmitigable rage that there are days when I literally cannot breathe. In the past, when I felt like a relationship was souring or no longer worked, I tended towards cold rather than hot. I would become formal, distant, clipped. I would become cool and indifferent. This experience is wildly diverse from that one.
Now, this person has gone and done an unforgivable thing. This person has reduced me to a stranger. And all my anger and hatred has multiplied a millionfold to become a deep and abiding sorrow that runs so deep, I cannot cry. I am unsettled all day. I feel outside myself, detached from my life. And unhappy. All day long, I feel unhappy, bereft. Something inside me is actually broken. I can feel it piercing through my skin and heart and kidneys. I can feel it tearing its way through my stomach. I can feel its sharp insistent gnawing in my lungs. I can feel it blinding my eyes.
I still can't understand what I did to deserve all this. That is the part I am having the most trouble with. So, here's the thing, there isn't really a thing here. There's just a sadness that is deep and pervasive and just will not go away.
