As I write this, there are some things you should know. I did not really want to write this. The topic of women being unsafe in India has been covered ad nauseum; I am neither any more special nor any more insightful than those thousands of others writers, columnists, commentators and bloggers. And yet, I now feel compelled. I am also not a strident feminist. Which is to say, I don't see women as women and men as men; I genuinely do NOT get the difference between a man and a woman. And the last two things you should know: I have a black belt in Karate; I have since I was 15 years old. I also do not drink, never have, never will.
I say the last two things, because I want to impress them upon you, if you are one of those addled people who believe that women should never be in places where they can't take care of themselves, and should always be in control so that they aren't raped/molested/assaulted/harassed. (I am calling you addled because a woman shouldn't have to receive elite combat training or live the social life of a nun in order not to feel threatened. That onus in not on the women, but on the world.)
I can only speak of my experience. It is this: If you are a young girl living in a city in India, there are conversations you have with your girlfriends, sisters, female cousins, mother and aunts. The younger are always warned, as soon as they begin to develop breasts or have to start cycling to school by themselves, about how to conduct themselves in public. Keep your head down, don't look anyone in the eye, don't invite trouble. It doesn't help. I remember being around 10 years old and walking to school alone in a safe, quiet neighbourhood in Madras. A man on a bike stopped as he approached me, asked me for directions and as I kept walking, flashed me. So the lesson I had been taught was of no help. I did everything I was supposed to do and was still exposed to that.
As we grow older, these are the conversations we have amongst out peer group. We would all exchange horror stories in college about being felt up in buses and trains. The depressing part is that when we would have this talk, we were not horrified or shocked; there was a weary nonchalance that accompanied this conversation. If you are a young girl taking public transport in a city in India, expect to be felt up. It doesn't matter if you have a black belt if you are in a crowded bus and are standing in such a way that you cannot move an inch to either side. this of course, is a pervert's paradise. By the time you have realized what has happened to you, he is long gone.
Still older, I started to have a different conversation with the girls around me. I now tell the younger ones something radically opposite to what I was told. When in a public place, look pissed, look angry. If you look like a person who is going to create a scene and absolutely lose your temper in a public place, they may be deterred. I also insist they all learn some self defence. Every chance I get to teach a friend a couple of moves, I take it.
This is the conversation I haven't had though: Why? Why should women have all these conversations amongst one another? Why is it that when several generations of women have been out of the house now, working, travelling, and becoming independent, the male of the species hasn't yet caught up to our reality? Why is another generation of mothers and older sisters having to sit 9 and 10 year old girls down since December 2012 to explain to them to keep their heads down, not look anyone in the eye and not invite trouble? Why is caution our only option? And why, despite our caution, do we each have such a wealth of nasty stories to share with our friends? Because here is the truth, following all that advice, learning how to defend myself and not drinking or ever losing control of myself has still not shielded me from having been molested or harassed.
