In a discussion with some people a couple of days ago, I tried to explain that if the situation called for it, I would find it in myself to be part of an open relationship/marriage. The concept was, unsurprisingly, unpopular, especially amongst the married/committed members of the discussion. They repeatedly attempted to tell me that I would feel differently if I had ever been in or was currently in a serious relationship.
Let me start with the fact that I strongly loathe people telling me how I would feel. I am an expert on me, I have a PhD/black belt in Me. I do not like to be told by people who have known me for mere minutes how exactly I would feel in a hypothetical situation.
The larger point here, though, is that I tried (and I think failed) to explain that I do not 'do' jealousy. By nature, I am not a very jealous person. A significant chunk of this, I can attribute to the hippie-dippy, granola crunching school I went to. The school put little stock in things like ranks, marks, grades and exams. Logically extending that myself, as a preternaturally mature child, I extrapolated the general sentiment into most parts of my life. I believed, from a young age, that it made little sense to compare myself with others. What did it matter that the person sitting next to me got 95% on a math test? It only matters to me what I got.
This philosophy is by now so ingrained in me that I can't ever be motivated by comparison. The same philosophy also leads me to be uncaring of people who I like, also like others. When I was in school, I was part of a small group of 3 friends. It was two girls and one boy. My two best friends spent much of middle school, high school and college being on and off in love with each other. While in middle school, I too (foolishly, now that I have an accurate measure of what a truly spectacular asshole this person really is) had an enormous crush on the guy. And even then, it didn't matter to me that he liked my best friend, it only mattered that he didn't like me that way. Does that make sense?
I have entirely stopped questioning why people don't like me, or love me, or find me attractive and so on. It matters so very little that they do feel all of those things for someone else. How can I possibly control what someone else inspires? Logically, therefore, I can not possibly be disheartened by that same person's attributes, right?
I can hear the chorus of 'wiser' emotional beings yelling at me about logic having little to do with feeling. To that, I counter with this: Logic has led me to temper emotion to suit practicality. I have spent a quarter century in the pursuit of practicality, of the matter at hand. Given this, am I not then the perfect person to figure out how best to root out a useless emotion like jealousy...in me? Jealousy has no practical purpose. It will not solve the problem, only cause more.
So here's the thing. Instead of telling me how all this will change once I truly grow up (or whatever the fuck it is that these people think when they deign to lecture me about anything and everything), why not accept that this is what it is? Jealousy is not really a factor in my life, it has never been until this point, and given my nature, it is unlikely to be in the coming years.
Let me start with the fact that I strongly loathe people telling me how I would feel. I am an expert on me, I have a PhD/black belt in Me. I do not like to be told by people who have known me for mere minutes how exactly I would feel in a hypothetical situation.
The larger point here, though, is that I tried (and I think failed) to explain that I do not 'do' jealousy. By nature, I am not a very jealous person. A significant chunk of this, I can attribute to the hippie-dippy, granola crunching school I went to. The school put little stock in things like ranks, marks, grades and exams. Logically extending that myself, as a preternaturally mature child, I extrapolated the general sentiment into most parts of my life. I believed, from a young age, that it made little sense to compare myself with others. What did it matter that the person sitting next to me got 95% on a math test? It only matters to me what I got.
This philosophy is by now so ingrained in me that I can't ever be motivated by comparison. The same philosophy also leads me to be uncaring of people who I like, also like others. When I was in school, I was part of a small group of 3 friends. It was two girls and one boy. My two best friends spent much of middle school, high school and college being on and off in love with each other. While in middle school, I too (foolishly, now that I have an accurate measure of what a truly spectacular asshole this person really is) had an enormous crush on the guy. And even then, it didn't matter to me that he liked my best friend, it only mattered that he didn't like me that way. Does that make sense?
I have entirely stopped questioning why people don't like me, or love me, or find me attractive and so on. It matters so very little that they do feel all of those things for someone else. How can I possibly control what someone else inspires? Logically, therefore, I can not possibly be disheartened by that same person's attributes, right?
I can hear the chorus of 'wiser' emotional beings yelling at me about logic having little to do with feeling. To that, I counter with this: Logic has led me to temper emotion to suit practicality. I have spent a quarter century in the pursuit of practicality, of the matter at hand. Given this, am I not then the perfect person to figure out how best to root out a useless emotion like jealousy...in me? Jealousy has no practical purpose. It will not solve the problem, only cause more.
So here's the thing. Instead of telling me how all this will change once I truly grow up (or whatever the fuck it is that these people think when they deign to lecture me about anything and everything), why not accept that this is what it is? Jealousy is not really a factor in my life, it has never been until this point, and given my nature, it is unlikely to be in the coming years.
